How Struggling with My Weight has Revealed the Real Me, and I Kinda Like Her ❤️

Well, it’s better late than never … I mean, here I am - successful in so many ways - family, career and life in general … and I think I have finally figured the missing link out!  My Body! It’s taken awhile, but I have finally found ME  and I Kinda Like Her❤️.

For sooooo many years, I have struggled with my weight … my weight was my measuring stick - should I be Happy? Sad? Confident? Depressed? Scared? My weight has been the test for success or failure. I see it now … so, so clearly … my self worth depended on the number on the scale for so many years. Guess what the craziest part of that is … at my lowest “weigh ins” I have felt the worse. What? How can that be? I just said I have defined happiness based on seeing a number on the scale. But, if you don’t love yourself, you JUST WON’T BE HAPPY it doesn’t matter what the scale says! It has taken years and a lot of work to figure this out … Here is the Magic Answer …. I AM NOT MY BODY! I am so much more. The other piece is that the more I fixate on a body that I can’t love, the more, I can’t find my ideal body. Yep … It doesn’t matter how much you work out, starve yourself, count macros etc, if you don’t love your body, it won’t love you back. I totally mean this. The more you focus on what is wrong, the more you get … Let’s face it, we can all starve ourselves skinny, for the moment. It doesn’t last - I am living proof, I have literally been on a diet since I was 12 years old. I have finally learned that by loving yourself - truly loving the shape you are in now and the miraculous things your body can do, you will release the doubt, the sadness and the worry and uncover your time to shine - in mind, body & spirit.

This is what I have learned from my experiences:


WORKING OUT - It is possible to work out too much and NOT lose weight! How is that possible? Calories in / calories out blah blah blah. It is true, by stressing your body with high intensity workouts that frankly, you may not be capable of, is TOO much. But, wait, you paid a trainer to yell at you … it must work, right? NOPE! You know what they say about too much of a good thing right? Guess what happens … you BURN OUT! You get injured. You get Tired. You Give Up! Workouts should be a celebration of your body and what you CAN do … instead of struggling trying to lift more, run farther, do more. I believe by being kind to your body you will uncover your MIND. Our mindset is so powerful - a loving, trusting, powerful mindset will lead you to the perfect workout routine. Moving your body is so important -  it feels good - your mind will reward you for that, and then once movement becomes so ingrained in who you are and what you do, working out is fun, it is who you are, and as the best side effect? You look freaking great too!


DIET - FOOD IS BEAUTIFUL - I am so tired of dieting - measuring / counting / weighing … let’s be honest - food is beautiful. Let’s love food! I’m not talking about junk, pre-packaged, soul drained food … I’m talking about beautiful meals shared with family and friends. I’m talking about meals where your body knows the perfect amount to eat and how to perfectly digest nutrients. I’m talking about bountiful, beautiful food that nourishes your body - food that your body loves. As a person who was introduced to Weight Watcher’s at a very young age, I know all of the tricks - low calorie / low fat / low carb etc. These “tricks” create distance between one’s self and the nutrients that keep them alive … it doesn’t make sense - Diet Coke is NOT the answer. I believe that when you feed yourself with love, your body rewards you … It’s an investment in your health and family and it leads to beauty - inside and out!


THE SCALE LIES - I’m not joking here! I truly believe that my scale lies (and, sometimes, it tells the honest, scary truth). I have had such a crazy relationship with my scale. We are currently broken up. I’ll tell you why … I have been on point with my nutrition, working out, feeling good and then step on the scale to see that I have gained .6 pounds. I literally have cried - big, ugly sobs looking at that number - how is that possible? Well, there are tons of reasons that may make sense at that time. My go to answer has been, well obviously, this doesn’t work … I might as well give up … where is the ice cream? I have also gone through periods of extreme TERROR (I’m not joking) of stepping on the scale! I would rather miss annual physicals - not so scared of the dreaded PAP so much as the “weighing in”. I once was working out with a trainer - in the best shape of my life, but she made me weigh in twice a week … I couldn’t take it - I quit! I have also been publicly shamed by a trainer in a FaceBook Group about weight gain over a weekend … I was mortified, so, I quit! So utterly self-defeating!  I’m happy to report - not any more! I realize that my insecurities regarding my weight have led me to bad decisions … there is so much more to life than a number on a scale. I am so much more than a number.


I PAY PEOPLE TO BE CRUEL TO ME? Nope … not any more. I have definitely paid people to yell at me, question my strength, my goals, my character. Not ANY MORE! I won’t do it. People in the fitness industry have a lot invested in our results … if we don’t do what they say, well “I guess you want to be fat” is the message I have taken away … Not true. I have been one of those people scared to see my trainer, faking reasons why I can’t make my session … all so I don’t have to face the wrath of someone’s disappointment in me … Did I eat a cookie? Have a glass of wine? It’s tough when while you are on a journey toward your best health, some fitness “experts” are eager to point out your flaws. My results do not equal their success or failure. Just an FYI - I know when I’ve been off track - I already feel shame and guilt and no one is harder on me than me. One of the best feelings was when I realized that I will NO LONGER pay someone to berate me (especially in public). My body is MY body … I will not be shamed for a bad decision - it was MY decision and they are MY consequences. I can’t risk being so stressed out and quitting any more. The key is to keep coming back that is where success lies … progress is progress.


WHAT IS THE ANSWER? Let’s be honest … I don’t have the answers, I have however, been on a journey of self-discovery. I will tell you about one of the scariest moments in my life. I had just turned 47 years old. I had decided enough was enough … I was carrying too much weight … I booked an appointment with Jacqui - owner of CrossFit Durst for my “No Sweat” intro. I was so nervous because deep down, I knew I was a complete fraud - who did I think I was? 47? Overweight? Scared? Yep - All of the Above. CrossFit … I literally laughed out loud at myself. However, I encountered something that I didn’t expect - COMPASSION. My first thoughts were well, this woman looks like all of the other fitness ladies I have met over my many years searching for the right answer - PERFECT. Perfect body - must be the genes or endless workouts or deprivation, I thought. What I found out was, Jacqui does have a great body, but she is so much more - super compassionate, enthusiastic and genuine. Her gym is different - it’s about support and encouragement. It’s not about judgement or weight shaming. Everyone has a place and it has been a place that I have felt comfortable in since Day 1. I have learned so much from Jacqui and CrossFit Durst - showing up matters! Community matters! I matter! I have made some beautiful friends in the Durst community - most especially Jacqui. She has encouraged me, been patient with me, challenged me and been a person I am proud to call a friend.  When I have found myself stuck, her first question is always “How can I support you?”  Wow … Really? This is amazing, I didn’t think people like Jacqui existed in the fitness business. Being a member of the CrossFit Durst community has made it easier to be myself - to focus on progress over perfection and to find my own answers with some gentle nudging and lots of encouragement. So, while I see myself as a work in progress, I also see myself continuing to grow and learn from this amazing community.


My journey has taken many twists and turns, I am proud of who I am today! Is my body perfect? Heck No! Do I love myself - Heck Yes … Life is about so much more than our bodies … I am so grateful I have finally seen the truth. I workout because I love my body, I feed myself beautiful food because I love my body (that includes pizza on Friday nights)! But, it is my mind that has uncovered the truth - our bodies give us the ability to experience our purest selves, our divinity and our love. Stop stressing about how we look, be grateful for who we are and we will only see true beauty - mind, body and spirit.


With love,